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September 6, 2006
From AP. Well, it doesn't look like an alien spawn... but then again, alien spawns never look like alien spawns [cue foreboding music]. But really, our first thought on glimpsing these precious photos is: If you're going to have a fake pregnancy with a fake fiance, shouldn't you wrap up all the little details by finding, y'know, a Caucasian baby? Just a thought... August 31, 2006
From MSNBC: After the "Top Gun" star was dropped by Paramount, he was shopping around for financiers, and a source reports that top execs at the Church of Scientology said that the group would fund his films if no other backers stepped forward. The talks ended when a group led by Washington Redskins owner Daniel M. Snyder reached a two-year financing deal with Cruise. A spokeswoman for Cruise's production company, Cruise-Wagner, labels the story "completely untrue" and a rep for the Church of Scientology didn't respond to The Scoop's requests for comment." After brainwashing his "fiance", birthing his "baby" [spawn] and ruining his "career", we're somewhat surprised that the Church of Scientology would have time to start producing Cruiser movies. But we're really hoping it's all true, because we've been waiting SIX LONG, PAINFUL YEARS for Battlefield Earth 2. Put the Cruiser in one of those sweet leather outfits, give him some nose plugs, and you got yourself a hit. August 30, 2006
Actually, we would pay to see the worlds of NFL football and Scientology collide. Does this mean the Redskins will start setting up Free Stress Test booths before every game? We love the idea of tailgaters trying to work E-meters, while the perky Scientology "counselors" are beaten with tire irons by Eagles fans (of course). From LA Times: "Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder [ed. note: might be even shorter than Tom. Seriously.], who recently wrested control of Six Flags Inc., is said to be a leading investor in an agreement that would give Cruise less than $3 million to finance staff and office expenses. In exchange, Snyder and the others will have the ability to finance movies developed by Cruise and his producing partner, Paula Wagner. The deal gives Cruise less than the $3 million that he reportedly turned down from Paramount Pictures to renew his longtime deal with the studio that expires Thursday. Cruise and Wagner had been receiving an estimated $10 million from Paramount to cover their overhead under the soon to be expired deal." Only a $7 million pay cut? In the words of Frank the Tank: "That's the way you do it, that's the way you negotiate!" On the bright side, he will now get to live out his lifelong dream of wearing the Bugs Bunny suit in the Six Flags theme parks' Parade of Stars! The Cruiser does NOT play Daffy Duck, got it? August 28, 2006 As our loyal readers know, we very rarely grant a letter writer the honor of being posted outside of the Letters section. The last time this happened, it was a man named "Darren" and his heartwarming letter about how we were bigoted against aliens and his alien religion. Ah, the memories. But now, we have a new entry in the race to Defcon 1 craziness. We'll call this writer "Alan" (once again, because that's his name). His work is entitled, "Tom is a Hero". Enjoy: "Tom Cruise is not nuts but a courageous whistleblower on the twin industries of psychiatry and the drug barons who support each other. At great risk to himself he has pointed this out and is paying the price through an organized campaign funded by the drug industry and psychiatrists who want to numb the minds of Americans so that the Zionists can take over - just ask Mel Gibson. Clearly your site is Zionist funded to bring down a great American by quoting him out of context and admittedly making him look stupid - which is your deceitful aim. If you know so much about psychiatry why don't you take Prozac and get a better view on life? You got him sacked from Paramount - so I hope you a really proud of yourself. If we had listened to Tom and given the malnourished Muslims in the middle east the vitamins they need we wouldn't have the terrorist problem we have today." Let's all say it together: pyschiatrists, drug barons, Zionists, oh my! Throw in a dash of Mel Gibson, call us Zionist lackeys, blame terrorism on lack of vitamins and, BAM! You got yourself some pure, industrial strength, Grade A crazy. Take that, "Darren". August 28, 2006
From AP: "Then, there are the Q scores. Those are a way of rating celebrity popularity. An executive with Marketing Evaluations Incorporated, the company that calculates the scores, says Cruise's positive perception has fallen about 40 percent in the last year. And his negative perception has jumped nearly 100 percent." Reasons given for the rise in the Cruiser's negative perception included: "His attack on Brook Shields", "Anti-psychiatric drug stance", "Jumping on the couch like a cocaine-fueled howler monkey", and "I saw that funny website about him, y'know, the nuts one? They drew this funny picture of him. It made me laugh. They're silly." On the bright side for Tom, he still rates higher than many things, including: O.J. Simpson, malaria-carrying mosquitos, ingrown toenails, virulent stomach flu, income taxes and Carrot Top. August 25, 2006 The Cruiser finds new project. Publicist characterizes it as "Loosely autobiographical". Thanks to loyal reader "Big Rick" (look, we didn't name the guy. If he wants to go by "Big Rick", he can go by "Big Rick"), we've obtained this pre-release version of the poster for Tom's final Paramount project.  Much like MI3, we expect it to involve lots and lots of running while making a serious "look how hard I'm running" face. Good stuff. August 25, 2006
Team Cruiser fires back. Claims they have new deal. Team Paramount fires back. Claims he's still fucking nuts. Let the bloody battle of PR flacks begin! Wielding their Bluetooth headsets in berserker like fashion, they have been loosed onto the streets and coffee shops of LA to duel to the death over the Cruiser and Sumner Redstone "brouhaha": Team Cruiser opens with a perky slap to the face. Take that Sumner, you bitch. (NY Times): "As for Mr. Redstone's allusion to Mr. Cruise's conduct, Ms. Wagner fired back, "I have no answer for a stupid statement." She speculated that Mr. Redstone was "trying to save face," having learned from Wall Street chatter of Mr. Cruise's hunt for alternative financing.." Team Paramount responds by kicking them straight in the nuts (NY Times): "A spokesman for Mr. Redstone, Carl Folta, scoffed at Ms. Wagner's talk of new financial backers. "Did they give you a name?" he said." Team Cruiser, hunched over, one hand feebly trying to shield their abused private parts, mumbles back while gasping for air (Defamer): "Extra's" Jerry Penacoli spoke to Paula Wagner, Tom Cruise's production partner, about Viacom's announcement that it was ending its 14-year relationship with the duo. Wagner said, "I think it's disgraceful that someone who wants to end a business deal...makes it personal...it's the height of unprofessionalism...we think people will find it hard to work with Paramount in the future." Team Paramount, perhaps giving a hint to their strategy, kicks them straight in the nuts again (LA Times): "Tom's representatives are entitled to be emotional, but we're doing business with CAA today and tomorrow and expect to for many years to come."" Team Cruiser rolls up into a ball on the ground, weeps quietly to itself (From Us): "Can we get a bag of ice, over here? Dear Xenu, it hurts!" August 23, 2006
Well, you had to see this coming. It appears the proverbial insanity chickens (it's a saying, look it up) have come home to roost. From CNN: "Paramount Pictures will end its longstanding relationship with Cruise/Wagner Productions, actor Tom Cruise's production company, citing his erratic behavior, according to a published report. Sumner Redstone, CEO of Paramount owner Viacom (Charts), said in an interview with The Wall Street Journal that appeared in Wednesday's edition that Cruise's controversial behavior over the last year - including advocating for Scientology and denouncing the use of antidepressant drugs - was the cause for the move. A statement from Cruise/Wagner Productions tried to characterize the split as more of a mutual decision. "Agents for Cruise/Wagner Production Company ceased negotiations with Paramount over a week ago and has since secured independent financing," said the spokesman for the firm." Nice try by the poor Cruise publicity flack, but it's going to be tough to spin this one when the CEO of Paramount is calling your client a wackjob... in print... in the Wall Street Journal. And by the way, if this is what all the great publicity of having a fake baby with a fake wife gets you, well, there's just no justice in this world. 28 July 2006. HELP WANTED. SERIOUSLY. YO' EDITUH NEEDS YEW.
But we're getting sick of the Cruiser, we have other ideas brewing, and we have real jobs (which we will of course quit the moment one of these websites truly makes a ton of dough). So here's the deal. Are YOU funny? Can YOU write stuff like this on a daily or several-times-daily basis. Can YOU deal with hundreds (and hundreds) of emails a week from people who Blackberry us when they see TomKat in Paris? Do YOU have good ideas about how to morph this into something else? And - seriously - are you funny? If you are, send us a couple of sample postings. Or links to other stuff you've done. If we think you're good, you've got yourself a job running this thing. No - there's no pay - you make money if we all make money (terms to be negotiated, natch). What you get out of this is satisfaction. And an inflated ego from knowing that tens of thousands of people are reading your stuff each week. And maybe be on TV. And the opportunity to work with us on other projects so you too might be able to quit that job. Yes - we still get that kind of traffic. So whaddya got? Bring the funny. info@tomcruiseisnuts.com May 9, 2006
It appears that MI3's box office numbers weren't the only thing to come up short this weekend [bada bing! zing! sound of smashing a watermelon with a comicly oversized mallet!]. The gossip columns are all abuzz this morning about the Cruiser's first post-spawn "birth" appearance with "Kate" Holmes in which he miraculously appears to have grown several inches! From NY Daily News: "According to numerous published reports, Cruise is 5 feet, 7 inches tall and his wife-to-be, Katie Holmes, is between 5-feet-8 and 5-feet-9... When Cruise and Holmes first went public with their romance last year in Rome, where they were frequently photographed smooching, their altitude difference was sharp and clear. But on the red carpet at the L.A. premiere of "M:i:III" the other night, Tom and Katie were ... well .. exactly the same height! And Katie was wearing what appeared to be white patent leather Roger Viviers that come with a 3 1/4-inch heel - which would have raised her height to over 6 feet. So how is it that Tom could stand with her eye to eye, when he should have been staring at her chin? Cruise's spokesman, Paul Bloch, insisted that nothing was out of the ordinary: "He had normal shoes on." But the most plausible answer appears to be lifts - which, when built inside the heel of a standard dress shoe, can easily add inches." Oh, this is too good to be true. He really thought he could spontaneously grow from 5'7" to over 6' without anyone noticing? We've always known he had issues about his size, but at least his penile implant is hidden by his pants. Come on, Cruiser, you gotta be more subtle than 6 inch lifts... May 9, 2006
So the weekend box office numbers are in, and they are not looking very good for the Cruiser. Apparently, we weren't the only ones who decided not to go see the Cruiser run and run and run and... well, all he pretty much does is run, actually. From Deadline Hollywood: "Paramount's MI3 will gross only a disappointing $47.4 million for this opening weekend. That's way down from the pre-Friday estimates of $63 million from 4,054 theaters. After Friday's numbers came in, I was told by rival studios that MI3 would end the opening weekend with mid-$40 millions -- $45 mil-to-$46 mil. That's also much, much lower compared with MI2's 2000 gross of $57 mil for the Friday-Saturday-Sunday period and $71 mil over the 4-day Memorial Weekend. Friday night's MI3 box office figure was only in the vicinity of $17 mil domestically, Saturday's night's 18.4 mil and Sunday's estimated at a feeble $13 mil." So, basically, not good. We can all now expect an avalanche of "has Tom Cruise's weird behavior destroyed his movie star image" articles. Short answer: yes. There, we just saved you the pain of reading any more articles about the Cruiser. Though to be honest, we think the fact that our site comes up #3 when you Google 'Tom Cruise' should have been a little bit of a hint that his image is slightly tarnished. Just a tad. May 5, 2006 The Cruiser "dances" on BET. Instantly embarasses all Caucasians everywhere. Wow. Now that man has got rhythm! We're not even sure what to call this dance. He's apparently trying to do the Yung Joc "It's Going Down" dance (we don't really know what that is either, but we're guessing the bizarre spasms he's having in this video are NOT IT). We especially like the cool "Vroom, Vroom" hand gestures he's doing. We're thinking of calling this the "Epileptic Monkey on a Motorcycle" dance. Got any better ideas? Let us know... May 3, 2006
Gawker has sources claiming that the Cruiser was suppose to do a red carpet interview with Al "TrimSpa" Roker for the NY premiere of... wait, what's his new movie called again? Gosh, we just haven't seen enough publicity for this thing yet, and sometimes it just slips our mind... something with a '3' in it? Well, we're sure they'll get around to promoting it someday... From Gawker "Per usual, this is all uncomfirmed, but: We'd heard that Al Roker Productions was hitting the red carpet at the Ziegfield premiere for a 30-minute live show on NBC. The plan was simple - Cruise dramatically rides up the Hudson in a speedboat, then literally runs to the red carpet for the Roker interview. Unfortunately, it seems that the someone at the studio has not only refused to let Roker conduct the interview, but also forbade the jolly weatherman from interviewing anyone in the cast. So why the last-minute refusal? Supposedly (and that's a big supposedly) it's because Roker also co-hosts the Today show with Cruise's mortal enemy, the Ritalin and SSRI-supporting Matt Lauer." Yes! You may call it unconfirmed speculation, but we call it pure gold. Coming this summer: The Cruiser vs. The Lauer - Part II - The Rumble in Rockefeller Center. Remember tough guys, no hair pulling and no scratching. Bitch slapping, though, is probably unavoidable. May 1, 2006
From Time "A story this size isn't enough for this man [weirdly homoerotic start, but ok...]. It's hard to convey with brevity [so he won't try] the extraordinary experience of knowing and working with J.J. Abrams. First of all, is there anything in a name-J.J.? Look at the Jays we have now-Jay Leno, J. Lo, Jay-Z-but he's got two Js. He was born to impinge and invade pop culture. [What the fuck did any of that mean? Jay Leno and J. Lo? Is he actually retarded?] Any person who has been exposed to his TV creations Alias or Lost has felt the rapture of his storytelling [or the rapture of his heady musk]. He is a story dealer. He delivers what could be called the Lay's of yarns: you can't watch just one [way to stay current with the cultural references, Tom]. I watched all of Alias' first season in two days, pushing all aside to the near destruction of my personal and business life. I had to tear myself away. They harken back to the classic cliffhangers of early cinema serials, with the bravado of my favorite pulp-fiction novels-the adventure, the characters, all of it. I just couldn't get enough [of his heady musk]. And in spite of the trepidations of many and sundry movie executives, I knew it was a no-brainer to hire him to direct the third Mission: Impossible. I couldn't wait to work with the Double J. [oh christ, he gave him a lame, fratboy nickname?! Do you think Double Jay calls him The Cruiser?] From the very beginning, there was an insouciance that promised anything was possible [what!? was that suppose to mean something?]. He's a creative juggernaut and someone who recognizes the joy of creating [yes, creating visions of our forbidden love in my mind. Swoon...]. We had great fun laying waste to the specious barriers and the each-person-does-his-own-job structure of filmmaking [Fuck yeah! Take that, 'specious barriers'! We always hated 'specious barriers']. J.J., who is just 39, even did three Industrial Light & Magic special-effects shots in the movie personally. He is an actor, writer, director, closet cartoonist [hee-hee], a composer, puppeteer [?], puzzlemaker, humorist, modelmaker[?], loving husband to his beautiful wife (can you believe this coincidence?) Katie [OMG! What a coincidence! Is his relationship a public relations farce too? Cause then it would be a REAL coincidence] and father of three glorious children. Gotta give it up for that J2. ['Give it up for', right? That's what the hip cats are saying these days, right?] " Yeah, he really wrote this masterpiece of literary dry humping. It's just too easy, so: Insert Brokeback Mountain joke here. April 26, 2006
From ABC "Cruise, 43, told reporters Tuesday he had called fiancee Katie Holmes, 27, "about a billion times" to check on the couple's daughter, born last Tuesday in Los Angeles. The actor, who was visiting London for the British premiere of his new film, "Mission: Impossible III," spent more than two hours on the red carpet outside a London theater, greeting well-wishers. Asked if he was missing his new child, he said, "How can you not, she's beautiful," and explained why the couple had chosen the name Suri. "We thought it was a really nice, sweet name. A lyrical name, [an Alpaca name]" Cruise told reporters. Cruise said he had doubts about leaving his infant daughter to promote his new movie across Europe, but said Holmes had encouraged him to continue working. "The pilots are on standby if I need to go back," he said." Some people might question a new father's committment to his "family" when he flies off to Europe the same week his alien love child is born, but not us. We're taking him at his word that he's called her a "billion times". See, a billion is a lot. Carl Sagan taught us that. April 24, 2006
So we've gotten a lot of loyal reader email aboout this whole name thing. In fact, we dare say that we're all becoming a bit "nuts" about this issue (get it? "Nuts"? See what we did there, using our site name in a deliciously witty turn of phrase? Oh dear, we are such rascals...). We've had Persian-speaking readers inform us that, in the first place, contrary to the Cruiser's claim, their lanuguage is actually called "Farsi", and second, contrary to the Cruiser's claim, Suri does not mean "rose". It means "To blow a trumpet" or "talk foolishly or at random." Japanese-speaking readers have pointed out that "Suri" means "pickpocket" in Japanese. French-speaking readers have noticed that "Suri" sounds like "Souris", which means mouse in French. So all that is just super. But the best explanation (or "crazy conspiracy theory" if you prefer) came from a reader who goes by the nom de guerre Darth Chef: "Suri = S.U.R.I. Scientology's Ultimate Resurrection Incarnate. Some say the "I" is for "Idea" but now that it is for real, the "I" stands for Incarnate. Tom's baby is actually the spawn of L. Ron himself, not Thomas J. Mapother IV. The plot I am about to share with you has been in the works since L. Ron was alive (the first time around). Soon after Tom Cruise met Katie Holmes, he approached the highest figures in Scientology. He let them know that he found a perfect specimen to carry SEED. For those of you who don't know what SEED is, it is the sperm specimen retrieved from L. Ron Hubbard upon his deathbed. For years it had been kept in a classified location. Only OT Level 3 Scientologists who were viewed as qualified were considered candidates for implanting SEED. When Tom approached COS, they quickly obliged. They entrusted Tom Cruise with the role of implanting SEED into Katie Holmes. The fertilization was obviously successful...This could be the true reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard. Let the ultimate battle between good and evil begin. " Wow. Now, THAT, people, THAT is how you come up with a crazy name theory! Good stuff! See, it seems batshit insane when you first read it, but then you start thinking about it and you start thinking about the people involved... and, holy shit, it all makes sense! We're not convinced yet, and will remain loyal to our Alpaca Theory, but we are impressed... April 21, 2006
From TV Shark: "Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' choice of a Hebrew-flavored name for their newborn daughter has speakers of the language scratching their heads. Baby Suri's name can be traced to a Hebrew word meaning "princess" or "noblewoman," but by such a circuitous route that the connection is lost on most Israelis. Since the birth Tuesday in Los Angeles, bemused Israeli TV and radio presenters have debated the word's origins. "Nobody here has ever really heard of it," an announcer on Israel's Army Radio said during a discussion Thursday. The Yediot Ahronot newspaper agreed in its half-page splash on the celebrity birth. "We seem to have learned a new Hebrew word and from Tom Cruise, no less," said a Channel 2 TV anchorman." So according to people who actually speak the language, Team Cruise's claims that "Suri" is Hebrew seem a bit stretched. What does this mean? That's right, we're right back to the Alpaca Theory (previously known as the Cockatoo Theory). You can't hide the truth, Tom. April 20, 2006
A loyal reader has pointed out to us that "Suri" is actually a type of alpaca. Y'know, those poor, misunderstood cousins of the llama. From ilovealpacas.com (and how we wish we had thought to register that domain): "Suri alpacas are distinguished in the camelid family by their unique fiber characteristics. The fiber grows parallel to the body while hanging in long, separate, distinctive locks. Its artistic style enhances the graceful appearance of the animal compared to the soft, wooly look of huacaya alpacas." Well, we guess if you were going to name your daughter after a member of the camelid family, the least you could do is choose one with "distinctive locks" and "artistic style". Well done, Cruiser, well done. We see no reason at all why she should would ever resent you for this choice... seriously, what blossoming young girl wouldn't look forward to an entire life of "camel toe" jokes? April 19, 2006
A loyal reader emailed us a new theory on the origins of the mysterious "Suri" name. We thought it was interesting enough to share with the rest of our loyal readers. We, however, are sticking to the Cockatoo Theory: There has been a lot of explanation of the name "Suri", that it means a princess, blah, blah, blah. Surrey is the headquarters of Scientology in the UK and home to Saint Hill Manor, owned by, you guessed it! L. Ron: "L. Ron Hubbard, the final owner, purchased the estate in 1959, establishing it as his family residence. Best known as acclaimed author and founder of the Scientology religion, Mr. Hubbard carried out much of his research into the mind and the spirit of man at Saint Hill. Hundreds of students came from all four corners of the earth to study under him. In the impressive library, his 560 published works can be seen, in subjects ranging from fiction, photography and art to philosophy, education and even drug rehabilitation, for which he has received hundreds of international awards. Mr. Hubbard had extensive renovations carried out of the manor and personally oversaw much of the work - his aim was to restore the house to its original beauty. The numerous marble fireplaces and floors have been expertly restored and polished, and original woodwork rejuvenated. Wood cabinetry that had been hidden for a century has been unmasked and newly brought to view. As a result of the constant care and upkeep, the manor today is in outstanding condition." Hmmmmm... very interesting. Sounds like the Silent Birth of a new Cruisegate to us! April 19, 2006
Welcome to our new feature in which we take a brave, possibly even foolhardy, trip through the list of currently open scandals (Cruisegates, if you will) in the life of the Cruiser. Let the countdown begin: 1) Silent Birth-gate: So what really happened in the mystical Scientology birthing chamber (the Silentotorium™)? Team Cruise has provided no details of how things went... not that we're expecting them to be honest and say, "Katie screamed like a banshee, and Tom kept jumping on and off her bed shouting nonsensical exhortations ('Yes! Whoowaa! Turn and burn! I'm in love!', Etc.)". Still, so many questions remain unanswered: did she use the iPod? Is "Danger Zone" still her favorite song? What is the condition of the "Binky"? Did it survive the experience or was it cruely bitten in twain? When will it show up on eBay? America needs to know. 2) Placenta-gate: Even though it's part of the whole birthing thing, we consider this its own separate Cruisegate. First he hold GQ he was going to eat the placenta, then he told ABC he was just kidding. Still, we think he might have been preaching the true gospel the first time around. So what happened to the placenta? And how do they prove he didn't eat it, if, in fact, he didn't? Did they save it in a big Tupperware container so they can bring it out for a press conference? "See, I didn't eat it, here it is! By showing this bloody placenta to the world's media, I have finally proven my sanity! Yes!" [insert fist pump here] 3) Online Poll... gate (shit, we got to work on our "gate" names): Parade magazine (known worldwide for its hard-hitting journalism) has pulled the results of its online poll in which it asked readers who was to blame for Tom Cruise's PR problems. 84% of respondents blamed "the Press" for distorting the Cruiser's image. Somewhat surprised by this result (i.e. slack-jaw stunned), they examined the poll results and found that of the 18,000-plus votes cast, more than 14,000 came from only 10 computers. One computer alone was the source of nearly 8,400 votes. Gee, we wonder whose computer that was... we're guessing the owner has a screen name like SexyBoyTopGunTom112. But we're glad the Cruiser is learning to love the internet... of course, when he googles himself - and you know he just has to google himself - he might be a tad bit upset to find our site comes up #3. Oops. April 19, 2006
From CNN "The actress gave birth Tuesday to Grier Hammond Henchy, who weighed 7 pounds, spokeswoman Pat Kingsley said. Shields, 40, and husband Chris Henchy, a 42-year-old television writer and producer, also have a daughter, Rowan, who turns 3 next month. They have been married since 2001. The birth came the same day that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes welcomed the arrival of daughter Suri." Wow, this is sort of weird. Y'know, in a "how under the holy fucking sun did this happen" kind of way. Think their kids will have joint birthday parties? BFF!! That would be so cute... Anyway, we hear the Cruiser was last seen speeding out of his Hollywood home on his fastest motorcycle (newborn spawn safely tucked in its custom, space ship-shaped sidecar), waving a box of vitamins over his head, heading in the direction of Brooke's house, screaming "There is no post-partum depression! Yeeeeehaaaaw!" [insert fist pumps here] April 18, 2006
So it happened. Katie either gave birth tonight, or, depending on your level of cynicism, took the beach ball out from under her shirt as her Scientology handlers quickly handed her a baby/spawn "volunteered" by a loyal Scientology underling. They've named the female baby/spawn Suri, which we believe was the name of L. Ron Hubbard's beloved pet cockatoo. Oh, how he did love that cockatoo. April 18, 2006
We here at TCIN.com gets lots of email from our loyal readers. Some funny, some not so much. And as our loyal readers know, we generally post these excellent contributions in our Letters section. However, every once in a while, a very "special" email arrives at our cyber door that cannot, nay, must not be ignored. A concerned reader - let's just call him "Darren" for lack of a better name (and because that is his name) - emailed us the following: Subject: Site you are hosting : tomcruiseisnuts.com Dear Sirs, I'm writing to you regarding your site you are hosting called: tomcruiseisnuts.com and I know others from my congregation have written you as well. The general response received back from your firm was on the order that this site is a parody and does not promote hatred. Well let's look at the definition of Parody in the Microsoft Encarta Dictionary which states: 1. Amusing imitation: a piece of writing or music that deliberately copies another work in a comic or satirical way. (Microsoft Encarta Reference Library 2005. All rights reserved.) Can you kindly explain how the.. "Buy the shirt and let her know! Scream Katie Scream" with a picture of an alien face falls into this category? You obviously know what is to follow this as it is right there in the "And Coming Soon Section" regarding Tom on Alien Abduction which is a direct religious hatred linked to the T-shirt.  We've read this letter over and over (between wiping the tears out of our eyes), and, other than coming to the conclusion that Darren and his "congregation" need to order a couple of art history CD's sent along with their next Encarta order (seriously, who knew Munch's Scream was an alien?), we are completely befuddled by this thing. First, we think it's amusing that his congregation members received a response from our "firm", because, y'know, we have no idea who these people are. And second... who are these people!?! As best we can figure it, they believe we are promoting religious hatred against aliens. Seriously. We're alien bigots. So do Darren and his congregation worship aliens? Do they think they are aliens? Really, somebody has to help us out with this one. So, if anyone has any ideas what kind of religion/cult we're dealing with here, send your guesses and enter out new contest! That's right, it's the Name That Crazy Alien Religion Contest! Winners get a free trip on Darren's space ship. Wheeee! That'll be fun for the whole family! April 18, 2006
From MSNBC: "The conversation was all smiles until reporter Björn Benkow [Swedish newspaper Aftonbladet Söndag] insisted that experts say that dyslexia cannot be cured by Scientology as Cruise has claimed. There was an awkward pause, then Cruise burst into laughter. “I’m going to, in any case, admit that you have the courage of a madman,” according to our translator. “This is something no journalist has dared say to me face-to-face. . . . Then the reporter mentioned Kidman and the two children that she and Cruise adopted. “Now you’ve gone over the line,” Cruise replied. Then, according to Benkow, one of Cruise’s two bodyguards put his hand on the reporter’s shoulder, and Cruise said: “Now, unfortunately, I have to end this, Mr. . . . ?”" The "courage of a madman"? What, was Tom going to use the super-human strength of his mighty 5'4" frame to tear the poor Swede into tiny, smoked fish-scented pieces? Or use the terrifying power of his Scientology-honed brain to simply crush the insolent man's skull with a single thought? We had no idea what a dangerous man he was... Please, Oh Great and Mighty Cruiser, spare us! April 18, 2006
From the Mirror: "The 43 year-old star told America's GQ magazine: "I'm going to eat the placenta. I thought that would be good. Very nutritious. I'm going to eat the cord and the placenta right there." Cruise, a devoted Scientologist, made the decision after reading the afterbirth contains important nutrients and vitamins. Well, we know he does love his nutrients and vitamins. Personally, we would stick to the pill versions, but, hey, if a fresh placenta is your thing, that's your thing. Little wasabi and soy sauce - just like sushi! Update: The Cruiser is apparently dismissing this quote as a joke. There, don't say we never give him a fair break. Now if he would just open up some more and dismiss this whole PR stunt of a relationship and fake/alien spawn/test tube-created pregnancy thing as a joke too, we would really start to respect him. April 17, 2006
Defamer has an insider report from an MI3 test screening. "Saw a finished print of M:I3 last night at a test screening in the valley. At one point when Tom Cruise is trying to explain to Michelle Monaghan that he has to go away on a "business trip" (i.e. secret mission), she asks him if their relationship is "real" to which he responds "of course it's real." Our row snickered with laughter. Also, not sure if it was intentional, but the end of the movie features a reference to "The Cruise." When Tom rides off into the sunset with his girl, his co-workers do the fists in the air stance from Oprah. Hifuckinglarious. " So the Cruiser is just slayin'em at the multiplex this summer! He's like the next Carrot Top! Unfortunately - and we're just taking a wild guess here - we don't believe MI3 was suppose to be a comedy. But we suppose it's never too late to repackage a movie in Hollywood. Just reshoot a few scenes with Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson digitally inserted as a mismatched pair of lovably bumbling super spies, maybe have Will Ferrell do a wacky and unexpected cameo, and, VOILA! Comic gold. When people start laughing at your dramatic on-screen relationship dialogue because of how they see you off-screen... well, let's just hope the movie doesn't include anymore "You complete me" moments. The multiplex aisles will run yellow with urine from everybody pissing themselves laughing. April 14, 2006
Seriously, this is his quote from the upcoming GQ profile when asked how he found out the CSCV (Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle) was pregnant. We are NOT making this up: "Oh, I—I looked at her. And I went, 'You’re gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where… It was one of those things. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. ’Cuz I notice things in people.” That's right, she didn't even have to tell him. How is this possible, you ask? "Cuz I notice things in people." And who are we mere mortals to argue with such logic? So if you can't beat'em (and how can one beat an apparently all seeing, all-knowing super-being), make a t-shirt/coffee mug out of their dumbass quotes. 
April 14, 2006
From People.com The child, which is due imminently – Cruise has owned up to knowing the sex but has not revealed it – will not have a Catholic baptism, despite Holmes's having been raised a Catholic, says Cruise. Instead, like him, the baby and new mother will be Scientologists. "No," Cruise tells Sawyer. "I mean, you can be Catholic and be a Scientologist. You can be Jewish and be a Scientologist. But we're just Scientologists." Apparently you can also be a Blathering Wingnut and a Scientologist. Or you can be a Batshit Crazy Actor and a Scientologist. The options are almost endless... April 14, 2006 Silent birth questions? Our new book has the answers! Introducing "Silent Birth for Dummies"!  Are you
confused by all the stories and rumors surrounding the upcoming "Silent Birth" of
our future alien spawn conqueror? Us too. And that's why we've written this
exciting new guide to "Silent Birth": The Hitchhiker's Guide to Silent Birth!...
wait, that's not the name we went with? Shit. We meant, Silent Birth for
Dummies! It may not be accurate or complete or even researched, but it gets
the job done. Some exciting excerpts about the "procedure" you need to know if
you want try this cool new trend in birthin' babies:- You need an iPod: Tom got Katie her very own special iPod to listen to during the silent birth to help keep her calm and quiet. It's loaded with over 300 of her (i.e. Tom's) favorite songs. Our guess is that it only contains Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone", repeated 300 times. Now that is a song for birthin'! We feel the need. The need, for speed! Wooo! - You need an adult pacifier: Tom had a custom designed pacifier (a "Binky", if you will) made just for Katie's mouth. No word on whether it's flavored or not, but we would recommend something calming like chamomile or vicodin. -
You need signs:
There will be sings hanging all around the delivery room, reminding Katie to
be quiet. We came up with our own sign to help her out. We think Tom will be
pleased.-->- No grandmothers: Yes, Katie's mother is not welcome in the birthing room (the Silentotorium™, as we like to call it). We assume this is to keep her uncontrollable sobs of despair at the sight of what has become of her daughter from distracting Katie out of her "happy place". - No talking to the spawn: So the miracle of birth has finally happened, and you've managed to avoid screaming out in pain to get you an epidural or you're going to castrate your man? Really? How the hell did you do that? Kelly Preston couldn't, and she and husband John Travolta are, like, huge Scientologists. Wow, you're good. But back to the point, which is that now you have your brand new bouncing baby spawn, don't talk to it! According the L. Ron, the baby must "be wrapped somewhat tightly in a warm blanket, very soft, and then left alone for a day or so." Sure, why not, that sounds healthy. Okay, got all that? Good job! So if you too want to enjoy the magical wonderment that is "Silent Birth", pick up a copy of our upcoming book. You, and your unborn child, will thank us.... Or beat us over the head with the book... Either way, we've made money, so screw you.
April 13, 2006 The Cruiser tells GQ he can cure heroin addiction in 3 days. Thousands of heroin addicts begin lining up outside his Hollywood home. Neighborhood Association not pleased.  "Help us Healer Tom! We need your magic hands!" (ed. note: photo may not include any actual heroin addicts) From Hollywood.com April 13, 2006 IT has returned... and so must we... May God have mercy on us all  We tried. We really did. We thought he had stopped, we thought he had gone away. The new publicist had finally shut him up, the craziness was fading. We could return to our normal lives, sit back in our La-Z-Boys, and never have to say "the Cruiser" again. The year of a Scientology-juiced Hollywood star telling us how to live our lives had passed. It was a time of peace and plenty for all. At last, we could rest.... But then.... Something dark and nutty began to stir deep in its Scientology-cloaked lair. At first it was just whispers of nuttiness... rumors of a loveless, Made-for-TV relationship complete with awkwardly staged displays of public affection... then came more talk of strange "silent birth" rituals, complete with signs, a very special iPod, and a special pacifier (a "Binky" apparently) for the CSCV (Cruiser Spawn Carrying Vehicle) ... and then, slowly at first, but gradually growing in both strength and insanity, IT began to talk. First, only to Germans, probably in the hopes that a country that loves the musical stylings of David Hasselhoff wouldn't find him that strange. He sat on a motorcycle for them. Neat.
Next , to GQ, where he began to oh-so-gingerly restart last summer's Scientology promotional tour, touting his magical ability to cure drug addictions. And then, finally, the announcment we have been dreading for so many months: a primetime Diane Sawyer interview with the Cruiser. IT had indeed returned. Then, suddenly, something became clear to us and we knew then that we must return. A confluence of events were conspiring to create a Perfect Storm of Tom Cruise Nuttiness - 1) impending silent birth of alien spawn, possibly bent on world domination, and 2) upcoming release of MI3 blockbuster, which means the Cruiser must go on every possible TV show to promote it. These events not only require the Cruiser to try to maintain the crumbling public facade of his "love" for his contractually obligated fiancee, but to go on TV over and over again to talk about it and the bizarre, silent arrival of his alien spawn. We think it's pretty clear where this is heading: The Cruiser's Summer CrazyFest II (tickets available via Ticketmaster, and don't get us started about those guys). So. It begins again. And we will be here, standing tall, to meet the Cruiser as he refuels his funny car and comes careening straight for us again. Let the word ring out, Mr. Cruise - WE are not afraid. December 6, 2005 The Cruiser spawn may be "male". For those keeping score, that would now make one "male" in the family. From Spotlighting News : "According to late rumors, superstars Tom Cruise and his fiancée, actress Katie Holmes, are expecting a baby boy, after Katie was spotted buying blue clothes. Katie, 26, who is five months pregnant, was spotted in top Los Angeles department store Neiman Marcus and exclusive boutique Le Petit Bateau, buying boys clothes. A source was quoted in The Sun as saying: "Katie didn't even look at any of the clothes or toys for girls. Katie bought lots of outfits. She went on a real spending spree. She was walking around the shops with her arms full of baby stuff and looking very pleased with herself." Wait, do spawn have sexes? We always thought they were asexual, reproducing in those space pod thingies or maybe budding like amoebas... guess, we'll have to look that one up. And some of our readers have a few guesses what that brand new sonogram machine might be showing of the cute little "male":
December 6, 2005
From NineMSN : "Hollywood star Tom Cruise and his pregnant fiancée Katie Holmes are due to marry in July next year, according to a bridal registry. Upmarket retailer Neiman Marcus has a list under the names Katherine Holmes and Thomas Mapother — Cruise's real name — with a wedding date set for July 7, 2006. Strangely, no items were listed, with only a request: "The couple welcomes NM Gift Cards."" Now, we're somewhat skeptical that this whole bridal registry journalistic scoop is for real, but what the hell, we'll roll with it. We especially like the fact that they only want NM Gift Cards. Where's the personal touch? And we're kind of surprised they didn't register at the Scientology Gift Shop. "His and Hers Monogrammed E-Meters", for example, would make a lovely wedding gift for the Scientology couple that has everything. November 30, 2005
From Ireland Online: "Tom Cruise has been slammed for buying a sonogram machine for his pregnant fiancee Katie Holmes, with health experts warning that he's putting his unborn child at risk. Officials at the American College of Radiology (ACR) are highly concerned by Cruise's revelation that he purchased the device to track his child's progress, and they're warning him that he could be breaking the law if he's carrying out the scans himself. Dr Carol M Rumack, of the ACR Ultrasound Commission, says: "This is a patient safety issue. Untrained people, even if they have the financial means, should not buy, or be allowed to buy and operate, ultrasound machines which are, in fact, medical devices and should not be used without a medical indication. Images of the foetus are an opportunity to diagnose problems before birth that may require treatment. These images should be obtained by certified technologists under the supervision of physicians properly trained in ultrasound. The ACR is concerned that Tom Cruise has been badly advised regarding the use and potential abuse of ultrasound. There are many abnormalities that may be missed by the untrained eye. Also, if it is not medically necessary, the use of ultrasound raises unnecessary physical risk to the foetus." New tabloid headline: Tom Cruise, baby killer! (Though we think the little spawn is probably safe, as we're guessing that the Cruiser hasn't even figured out how to plug the thing in yet, let alone start using it). Still, this has got be some kind of first in the annals of celebrity PR: with one deft move, he's not only broken the law but also put his unborn love spawn at "unnecessary physical risk". Well played, sir. Well played. [slow clapping]
November 30, 2005
From Tribune Media: "I WILL forever be jumping on couches!" That's Tom Cruise talking to Barbara Walters on Walters' "The 10 Most Fascinating People of 2005" special, airing at 10 p.m. Tuesday on ABC (Channel 9). Cruise has no regrets. Not for his public exuberance over Katie Holmes ("All men should jump on couches ... all men should celebrate their women") and not for his challenging "chat" with Matt Lauer over antidepressants. Cruise also addresses the "Scientology birth" rumors -- that Holmes won't have pain drugs and will be utterly silent while delivering. Cruise says: "Like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible. There have been misinterpretations that the woman can't make any noise, and that's just not true. It's nutty. No, but just calm and quiet. I want Katie to be as comfortable as possible. And whatever she's gonna go through, she's gonna go through. And I'm gonna be there." (This doesn't exactly address the issue of a woman in childbirth suffering intractable pain and needing painkillers.) " That's right, folks, he has no regrets. We're jumping on a couch right now! .... shit, we just fell off. And it's not a "silent birth", but just "calm and quiet". Because, as we all know, "like anything, you want to be as quiet as possible." Soooo... does that include publicity tours where you jump up and down couches, scream about how much you're in love, and tell the whole world to stop taking all prescription drugs? Like, that kind of quiet? November 29, 2005 1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Spawn Contest gets mainstream media attention. Sort of. Nice work, loyal readers. Our little home-grown Name the Spawn contest has been picked up by some entertainment news sites. And, this being Hollywood, some of them immediately try to steal the idea. From Cinematical.com: "Satiric (kind of) website "Tom Cruise is Nuts" did a little reader poll asking what Tom Cruise should name the baby he and Katie Kate Holmes are having. I'll give you three guesses what the top picks were. No, you don't win anything if you're right, because this is such a total no-brainer. Readers want Tom and Kate to name their baby Brooke (hah!) if it's a girl and L. Ron or some variant of that name (after Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard, if you haven't been keeping up) if it's a boy.... What do you think Cruise and Holmes should name their baby?" Now, we have no problem with other people playing our little game (especially considering we got the idea from our loyal reader, Suzy. Nice work, Suzy), but isn't it common web courtesy to actually link to our site if you're "blogging" a post about us? We don't see a link. Do any of you see a link? Just asking... [update: The editor of cinematical.com Kim Voynar, sent us this email: "I just saw your post about the story we did on your "Name Tom Cruise's Baby" contest. I wrote the post myself, and the omission of the link back to your site was an oversight and completely my fault. It is our policy to always link to other sites when we post about anything on them, and the error was entirely mine, and has been corrected. All of the Weblogs, Inc. sites are very conscious of this issue, as we have our content plagerized all the time. So please accept my sincerest apologies and my assurance this was an oversight, not an intent to steal your idea." Okay, we accept. But does this mean Kim won't be accepting our challenge to face off in the Ultimate Fighting octagon? Cause, we been training, like, hard, and were SO going to kick some ass. Man, we're tough.] November 29, 2005
From Post Chronicle: "A report from the website entitled bitterwaitress.com has labeled TomKat a cheapskate. BitterWaitress.com has thousands of entries listing the identities of the generous gratuity avoiders. The so-called 'Shitty Tipper Database' has famous names and regular citizen's side-by-side for turning cheap when the check came. Tipper's Name: Tom Cruise Where it happened: New York Total bill/Tip amount/Percentage: $458.63/$5.00/ 1% What happened? Tom and Katie Holmes were absolutely rude as anything I've ever seen!" $5 on a $458 bill?!? Maybe he's saving money on tips so he can refund everyone who bought a ticket to War of the Worlds? Just a suggestion... November 28, 2005
[update: the results page is now up! And current #1 choice for a girl? Brooke.] So once again, it appears that you - our loyal readers - enjoy these contests way too much. And that's why we love you. Anyway, to the results: L. Ron is the obvious leader. Get it? "Obvious"? C'mon peope, let's think outside the box here... which reminds us, to the reader who guessed "Rollerball" - we salute you. Check our current results page where you can see all the guesses listed by popularity, but here are some of our favorites: "GRAM" after that expensive sonogram machine his wealthy dad purchased to keep track of his growth." -Jonah "A girl: Narconette Subservien Cruise (a huge disappointment for the Cruiser, but on the upside, a daughter can bring friends over for slumber parties and for the Cruiser to screen for future wives... so she's still a keeper!)" - Eric Publicitie, Publicitee, Publicité Petrie (after the dish the spawn was conceived in) Maverick (after Tom's Top Gun character--very Hollywood) Tom (for a girl) Gosee M.I. Three [all the from same person! You're a sick puppy, "Katie". Well done.] "Tom will name the spawn a name that can be shortened in multiple ways-- something like Bethany. Something that Tom has control over. He renamed Katie "Kate" didn't he??? So I think that Tom need the power to call his kid Beth, Betty, or just plain 'B' whenever he wants. Tom needs a name he can manipulate." - singra "Pluto Ronald Oscar Zebidiah Alexander Cruise (P.R.O.Z.A.C)" - Tim November 23, 2005
From ET: "The new issue of People mag, on stands Friday, reports that Tom reveals that he and KATIE HOLMES will actually wed after their baby [spawn] is born -- possibly next summer or early fall -- but no date is set yet! The star also revealed that he bought his own sonogram machine so he can follow the baby's [spawn's] progress. According to People, a sonogram actually costs anywhere between $15,000 to $200,000! Tom also says once he and Katie's bundle of joy is born, he will donate the machine to a hospital. [can you sterilize spawn cooties?]" So it appears that this magical whirlwind romance is starting to lose some of its whirl. If we were Katie's pre-nup negotiating father (and thankfully we are not), we would not be happy to be losing our best negotiating spawn... er, piece, before the actual wedding. And about this whole sonogram thing... what the F@$K!? Seriously? His own sonogram? What are the chances he can't read the directions right and starts smearing jelly on Katie's ass? Do you think he makes "vroom, vroom" noises as he runs it along her stomach? We can also just see him rolling the thing around the house, sonogramming the house plants, the couch, the neighbor's cat, the UPS man... men do love to play with their new toys. November 21, 2005
Longtime reader, first-time writer "Suzy" sent us this inspiring email: "I think the Cruiser will marry Katie on Dec 31st, so he can use her as a tax deduction. By the way when are you having the name the baby contest. Just wondering because I have some suggestions." And thus, the 1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Baby Contest was born! Except, being much meaner people than Suzy, we have decided to immediately rename it the 1st Annual Name the Cruiser's Spawn Contest! Yay! So send your best guesses of what the little critter's name will be to info@tomcruiseisnuts.com, with Spawn Contest in the subject line. We will be posting a list of our favorites and tabulating reader favorites. Plus, the winner will receive a copy of Rollerball signed by star Chris Klein! Assuming we can actually, y'know, find a copy of Rollerball... or Chris Klein for that matter. November 18, 2005
An alert [bored at work] reader has pointed out to us that our little site has now moved up to #5 on Google when you search for "Tom Cruise". This, of course, is pure madness and we expect the world to come to an apocalyptic end very shortly. But while we're all still around and still able to enjoy snide comments about crazy celebrity PR stunts, we'd like to take a moment to thank our loyal readership. Sooo... thanks... we guess.... Wow, that was awkward. We will now get back to enjoying our newfound popularity by completely forgetting about all our old friends and becoming the exact kind of popular asshole we always hated. Eventually we will realize what has happened and will learn an important lesson about being true to ourselves... or maybe it's about being true to others... whatever, we'll learn some kind of lesson. [Update: Now #2 on Google. We think this is actually good news for Tom... somehow...] November 18, 2005
From ContactMusic. "TOM CRUISE has reportedly bought his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES her own $20 million (GBP11.1 million) jet as a wedding present. The generous movie star is keen for Holmes to pick up his love of flying high [muffled snicker] and he has ordered a customised Gulfstream jet for her, according to US tabloid National Enquirer. An insider says, "Tom wanted to come up with the most amazing wedding gift ever, something that would make her life so much better than a big diamond on her finger."
South Park takes on the Cruiser. Unfortunately, no puppet sex involved. In case any of our loyal readers missed it, South Park did a vicious Scientology/Tom Cruise spoof on last night's episode. Truly some nasty, mean-spirited, eviscerating, soul-crushing stuff. Obviously, we loved it. Show clip Also, Defamer does a great job pointing out the awkward corporate moment it helped create. We're talking "Man Hug" awkward... November 16, 2005
From MSN: "The stunning 26-year-old - who is pregnant with fiancé Tom Cruise's baby [spawn] - allegedly wants to devote herself to being a full-time mother and housewife. A source told Britain's The Sun newspaper: "Katie has decided to give up acting altogether. She's been telling friends that she and Tom [just Tom] have decided it is best she stays at home and brings up their baby [spawn]." Her decision is raising a lot of eyebrows in Hollywood. She is at the perfect age for so many screen roles and has completely closed the door on a promising career." Does this mean the Dawson's Creek Reunion show is dead? That blows. On the bright side, we won't have to hear that nausea-inducing theme song anymore. November 11, 2005
From ABC News: "It was wilder than it was appearing to me," Winfrey said. "I was just trying to maintain the truth for myself because I couldn't figure out what was going on. And what I was prepared for was the dance that happens when you're doing celebrities — when you know they're not going to tell you, but you're going to ask anyway, and then you try asking another way." Instead of the "dance," Winfrey was confronted with an Irish jig on top of her furniture. "I was not buying — not buying or not buying," Winfrey said of Cruise's declarations of love. "That's why I kept saying to 'you're gone, you're really gone.'" Looks like the Cruiser might want to reconsider buying that house next to Oprah. Thankfully this does appear to kill our Operation "Evil Celebrity World Domination" theory... unless that's just what they want us to think... hmmmm... November 10, 2005
Judging by the number of entries from important government and economic institutions, our contest is having quite an effect on the productivity of the world's workforce. Neat. Some of our favorite "guesses" so far: "Geez, December 24th? No, of course not! They'll get married on December 25th because, really, what better way to ruin everyone's Christmas Day (Holmes family, so much for Kidman spending Christmas with her kids in peace and quiet, guests that have booked into a hotel which now needs to be cleared on the Cruiser insisting on privacy, etc... - I can just imagine the mayhem!). Yeah, that's it!! Just the right day for someone so very important!" "if poor poor Katie isn't re-programmed sometime in the immediate future, I predict the Cruiser and Katie's wedding date will be the day before the US release of Mission Impossible 3" "Put me down for a Tom and Katie getting married on the 13th of March 2006 (L. Ron Hubbards birthday)." "Guessing May 9 as the due date of the baby since that was the date in 1950 that Dianetics was first published" "I'll go with Jan 1st. This way he'll be able to dump her on Dec. 31st of the 9th year so he doesn't have to pay her half of his net worth. It's just easier for him to remember Jan 1st." "I predict that the Cruiser and the CSCV will get married on Bloogo's birthday. I'll bet that he's even mentioning it to them right as I type this...." Bloogo never gets old... November 9, 2005
The response to our new Guess the Date contest has been quite overwhelming. So thanks to our loyal readers, but we've decided to institute some changes. First, no one is allowed to guess December 24th anymore. So just stop it, okay? We've gotten a whole lot of 12/24 guesses, all from women (except for one from some guy named "Garth". Not saying anything, Garth, just pointing stuff out...). We get it, women want to get married in a romantic holiday swirl of fluffy snow flakes... guys want to get married when there are no playoff games on TV. We get it. Unfortunately, if we have to buy that many copy of Dianetics, we'll go broke while giving the Scientologists all our money. Screw that. So 12/24 is now blacked out. Sorry. Second, no make-believe calendars can be used. So no "Klingon Imperial" calendars, no "Third Age of Middle Earth" calendars, no "Thetan" calendars. C'mon people, let's keep it clean... November 8, 2005
From ET Online: "We don't have a date yet," Tom revealed, "[But we have] big, big plans. We talk about it. I really didn't know that there were so many wedding magazines. I said, 'Are you kidding me? There are things for the flowers, the cake, the dresses' ... The thing that I love about Kate is that she's an artist, so she actually loves ribbons and she makes cards and creates art. She loves flowers, and she'll do her own floral arrangements. So it's going to be a lot of fun. It's going to be a celebration." That does sound like it's going to be a lot of fun. And as long as you don't count her actual, y'know, acting, we're sure "Kate" is a great artist! We can only imagine what sublime beauty a "Kate" Holmes original floral arrangement must possess. But still no wedding date? So in an attempt to move the process along, we are introducing a new contest: Guess the Date! That's right, Guess the Date of their actual wedding, and you win a signed (by us) copy of Dianetics! Makes a great stocking stuffer! Send your guesses to info@tomcruiseisnuts.com November 8, 2005
From ET Online : "The 'American Pie' [Rollerball] star revealed how he and Katie's relationship was different from hers and Tom's. "I think it was something we appreciated, it was something we kept special for each other," he says [translation: not a stomach-turning publicity stunt. And NO Oprah involvement]. So where did things shift? [Rollerball] Chris explained, "As people grow up their tastes change and I know that growing up and becoming adults the direction her and I wanted to go in changed a little bit. When it was time to split it was time to split and when you know you know." [translation: her career needed a boost. And Chris Klein? Been a loooong time since American Pie...] Deep stuff. However, our insider sources point to his decision to star in Rollerball as the real beginning of the end. Oh, and have we mentioned that he was in Rollerball? Yeah, Roller-freaking-ball... November 7, 2005 The Cruiser hires new publicist, fires own sister. Has Katie's sister fired from her job too, "Just in case"
So, does this mean he didn't want to be positioned as a lunatic wackjob from another planet for the last year? Hmmm, well yes, probably a good move then... Click here to see previous Cruiser updates. More Tom Musings Tom on Muhammad Ali "I'm usually nervous to meet people that I admire because what if they're not cool or something?" Tom on Katie: "Our chemistry has clicked. We are so alike. I believe I have found the right one. And I want more children." Tom on Death: "The exterior is only one covering. I believe in rebirth. I do not have a fear of life or death." Tom on Sex: "Sex is great, if you are in a relationship. Otherwise, I find sex actually not so interesting. Without a relationship it is confusing." 
 Featured Letter o' the Week: You just can't beat these, the best of the best, the cream of the crop, presented in their full, unedited glory for your... well, for whatever the hell you think about them... Subject: Ours ask for all celebritas, please ! Honourable Mr. Tom Cruise ! Very dears and honourable friends ! I have already old and ill. I have two beautiful granddaughter, however I have not cash. For all that I can't book grandchildren no present. Plead young and old noble-minded and nice leod, help us moneywise. Christmas already come, which I dabo my grandchildrens, if you no help me ? Very pretty I please young and old you, valued friends, celebrity, on the proviso that you've noble-minded heart ! Beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise , you're noble-minded, help me, certitude all celebrity, let assistance moneywise thank you from heart and I trust, that web master consign my petition young and old, especially noble-minded and beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise yours truly Jozef, Slovakia ** Editor's Note: Josef, your incoherent plea has touched our cold, cold hearts.... Yes, Josef, yes. Of course we will pass on your request to "beautiful Mr. Tom Cruise". Not only that, but we are more than willing to help "dabo" your granddaughters too! It's the least we can do. - It was boredom that brought me to your site. I needed something to read but, having exhausted most of my favorite subjects (psychiatric medicine, religion and/or cults of the world, how stuff works, urban legends and e-mail hoaxes, the psychology of color) I just sat down and entered an annoying mantra that has plagued my thinking for months. I never want to think about it, but the phrase just keeps running through my mind like a bad song (My Achy Breaky Heart, for instance). Anyway, it was after a short period of staring at the blank search space on my front page that I suddenly typed in "tom cruise is nuts" and, wha-lah!. However startled and alarmed I was over the fact that the annoying phrase actually came out my fingers onto the keyboard, I hit ENTER and there you were - first site listed on the page! That said, I'd like to ask just two questions. (1.) Who the heck is Harry Bloogo, and (2.) Who is that woman (?) with TC in the picture Ben sent? It is down right spooky! Is it Katie now taking on more Tommyness than just his idiotic mindset? Is it TC's poor sister/manager, or is it actually a clever double exposure of TC and TC in drag? Seriously! I would REALLY like to know! And, by the way, thanks for the awful visual that I'm sure will henceforth accompany the annoying mantra I told you about! Thanks a lot! ** Editor's Note: Who is Bloogo?!? He is the Blofeld to our Bond, the Professor Moriarty to our Sherlock Holmes, the Wile E. Coyote to our Roadrunner. This is Bloogo... Oh and the picture is a shoddy Photoshop job by some guy named "Ben". Cool? You want letters? You got 'em! We've received hundreds and
hundreds of emails just today. And all we can say is "Wow"...
Here's a taste of some of our newest entries... As always, all
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Our use of the term "nuts" is meant, as defined in Webster's, as a reference to an "eccentric" person. That's all. We do not mean to in any way denigrate or belittle anyone with mental illness. In fact, we take mental illness very seriously, which is why Mr. Cruise's ill-informed rant inspired us to create this website. We don't have anything personally against Mr. Cruise, either. We think he's a first-class actor and a humanitarian. We used to worry that he was a misguided zealot, but that's all. Now we think he's a dangerous, misguided zealot.
TomCruiseIsNuts.com is a member of the online family of Amalgamated Worldwide Enterprises (AWE). Please visit the AWE websites dedicated to former Iraqi Information Minister Muhammed Saheed al-Sahaaf, and Jesus of Nazareth.
Significant Disclaimer: This and all other AWE websites represent a coalition effort of political liberals and political conservatives (and credulous believers and self-absorbed agnostics and sexual incompetents and chronic voluptuaries). AWE productions are not intended to be, and should not be regarded as, partisan statements of any kind. Our only objective is to inform the American public and channel their purchasing power for institutionally useful purposes.
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